from Miss D,
Begin again
May God bless us all :)
Here I am once again, still having so many things to say with absolutely nowhere to express - not entirely anyway. Too afraid. Of what?
On Twitter, FB, Instagram.. I'm constantly stopping myself from being 100% me. I'm too afraid of being judged and honestly? I have no idea why I worry so much. I hate it and it consumes me.
I've grown to be an even more self-conscious person and am highly critical of myself. Some days when I do realise just how hard I've been on myself because no one else is really *there* for me.. I swear it hits my like a bullet and it makes me even more sad.
I do love myself and I really want to. Or at least I'd like to. The idea of reliance / dependence on another human being in the form of creating a bf /gf relationship has vanished or even better yet, has never existed on my list of things that burdens my conscience. I don't know.. What more with the romanticised images and stories online that I come across almost every freaking day. I do believe in true love & fairy tales (damn you, Disney) but I believe you should be whole as yourself, your own being - without having to be defined by another. You need to be 'complete' and in touch with *you*. I'd say I've grown skeptical (or realistic?)
Yes, having relationships will soon be a need especially when you reach an age where you will be pressured to start searching anyway. And of course as a basic human need (ref: Maslow's hierarchy of needs) but honestly? Don't be hanging on to one person till you'd think you'd 'die' without them. Like you can't survive another day if they're gone. As awfully romantic and corny as it seems (and how I probably was before), you have just got to suck it up & move on. Skeptical as ever as I seem now (haha) also because I've seen it in my friends' relationships - it can be potentially dangerous. Emotional blackmail & toxic relationships ensue, sprouting from intense co-dependency. I literally want to grab these people by their shoulders and scream 'wake the fuck up!' because they're too blinded by love to realise.
Anyway, HOW DID I GET HERE. I was just talking about how I'm too self conscious. Ugh. Let's just summarise what I was trying to post in the beginning: overthink --> sad --> spiral of self-hatred. End.
And boy, would I love for that to stop. Slowly, I hope so. Anyway, one should be comfortable enough to be by themselves - you've got to learn to love your own company :)
Did I go off topic real quick or what huh? haha. (Hint: this is a preview of how I will write and probably how I speak to others in real life) Maybe I shall open up this thing where people can suggest what I should write about in the future :)
Love,
D.
will update more soon, have a nice day everyone :) .fad