They say time will heal ya

Assalamualaikum.

i've always wanted to tell everything, and exactly on how do i really feel inside. but, one thing that i'm really sure is, it's impossible. Why? because there is no word that could exactly describe how do you feel. i've been through a lot. and same goes to everyone. but for a person who is weak and stick in the mud like me, life's rough. even we do have words to tell how do we really feel, it's still, impossible. because we can't! we don't have the guts to say those words. we are afraid. afraid of any consequences that we'll get from that person. why the one who you prioritizes, can't treat you the same way? i mean, yea, i can't force people to take care of me etc. but. to face the fact that the one who we prioritize, is priotizing others more than you. you know how it feels to be needed, right. i just missed old times. where there's only us and no hard feelings and no 'anasir' who wants to join us. like hey, i'm an introvert. i rather work in very small group of 3 or 4, or i'll work alone. my life's here? as long i still have that one bestfriend who would never give up on me, i'll be okay. eventhough, it's hard, to know that, i'm not the priority of my priority. why? am i not deserving all that..

no pictures in this post since i'm using my phone to write this. sigh. i just, why, you know exactly how hurt it is, seeing the one who you prioritize, prioritizes others more.. it's just, unfair. i've been holding my horses, holding my grudge, for a lot of time, and for so long, but in the end i always have a think, 'does it really worth?' so i'm trying to tell and explain INDIRECTLY but idk it's getting more tiring since i tried so hard. i shouldn't even have to try hard to keep you, bcs, if you do need me you'll come. but turns out, i'm the pathetic. i'm the one who is needing instead of needed. so ppl don't really care if i go, or if i walk away because it will not change anything. i'm trying to be nice to everyone, includes to those who i really hate. turns out im hating them even more. im seriously dont know how this life works. if FAIR does exists, why am i always be the one who needs to back off? can't i have a happy great life ahead? i can't.. i don't want to lose ppl who i had so much times with, anymore..... it cuts the veins that enclosed the heart of mine. it hurts.

sometimes i might lose control but idk seeing you having fun while i'm in blue, seeing you choose others rather than me, noticing that you're more excited talking with others (including the ones i hate) rather than me.. it's just painful. like how can i stay fine if i have to face those EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY?! i'm a pathetic.

and time will not heal ya. it all back to yourself. if you want, you'll make a way to do it. if i'm important, you'll make a time for me. you'll look upon me first rather than others. u have no idea what's inside my head. i told you, i SEE everything. i'm out..
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"Loner!", Miss D (again)

Assalamualaikum.
Nak payung satu post from akak blogger feveret ni, related bangett.
Still takleh move on dengan vocab & english dia yang bergetar tulang peha baca.

Loner!
When people call me a loner with a negative connotation in their voice, I just smirk.
I was one of them too once. It's scary to not be seen with a pack. People jump to conclusions but most of it is: "that's just sad". Person eating alone? Sad. Going out alone? Pathetic. It's because no one wants to hang out with them. Bla bla bla.

And then I realised semua benda ni is their internal insecurities being imposed upon others. You are the one who's scared to be seen out alone, to go have a nice lunch by yourself, to enjoy a movie with no one else.YOU are the one who is insecure with doing anything on your own. Who's the coward, actually?So, get your head checked before you judge a person by saying "loner!" negatively.

Some of y'all can't even function if you don't have friends there. That is pathetic. And when people joke about the "lone wolf" thing and tease. OH MY GOD. I get so enraged. Don't use that analogy please, you rile me up and make me want to punch you in the face. I hate bullying. I fucking hate it.

The thing is, fair enough that some people love being with their friends and some prefer being alone. Tu je. It's a matter of preference and choice. The thing that disgusts me the most is when you feel the need to shame others just because they do things differently than how you would. So kau tak payah nak judge loners and introverts for being the way they are. They have the strength and inward focus to enjoy their lives without necessarily needing the presence of others all the time.

Setting time aside to do things on your own? I would recommend this 100%. Kalau kau insecure, it's okay, you'll get through this. But here's why I think it's a problem: you're not even comfortable enough to be in your own skin for an hour. Some can't even sit still in their room without feeling uncomfortable or bored of their own presence. Fair enough, sometimes memang boring pun duduk dalam bilik tak buat apa-apa. But sampai you feel uncomfortable to be left alone with your own thoughts? – That's when you know you have a problem.

Realise and reassess the fact that you can't even enjoy your own company.
You don't even want to hangout with yourself. What the fuck?
Do you even realise how messed up that is that you're not comfortable to be in your own skin?

No, I'm not lumping every person who is not a lone wolf together. This post specifically targets jackasses who think they are better than others and those who love to judge others who enjoy doing things on your own. I get that sometimes you may feel sorry for an old man in the restaurant having dinner on his own. But that's different. Whenever I feel sad for strangers like that it's because I envisioned their spouse to have left them for a better place or something like that. Or sometimes you can just feel their sadness from the next table. Maybe they just got dumped, or maybe they're just tired and had another rough day after a string rough days. Senang cerita: mind your own bloody business and don't jump to conclusions about why people are out alone, okay?

I'm saying this is for the people who make fun of others whereas those people being made fun of are the brave ones doing whatever it is that they themselves are too scared to do.

So yes. I smirk. Check yourself before you decide to talk smack about other people's lives.

And yeah, it took a lot of self-reflection for me to realise that it is okay to do things on your own.

On a side note: I really don't want to be the people that I hate. I don't want to be a judgy jerk. I don't want to act all holier-than-thou as If I'm a saint that has done it all. I don't want to be hurtful to others just because they do things differently than the way I do. I realise I am no angel and I don't pretend to be one. But.. I'm still trying too. Always trying. To be more kind and compassionate, to be more loving. To be at peace with myself first and foremost and consequently, be at peace with others.

And if you've at least realised the work that needs to be done now, that's when you know you can make a start and change towards being better. Know that it is never too late to be what you might have been.

Here's a really good article on this and I suggest you read it whether you're the loner being teased or you're the good-for-nothing oppressor that makes fun of people who do things alone:
The Stigma of Being Alone

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” – Diane Von Furstenberg

So yeah, don't feel bad if you're a lone wolf. Don't feel bad for me because I do things alone.
Don't feel bad if you are a jerk who judges lone wolves. Jk, do feel bad and I hope you choke on it lol. But seriously though, if you've read this and decided to change the way you think, then good for you. People may be different than you but that doesn't necessarily mean that either is bad. If you realise you're a jerk, it's not too late to change. Haha.
All in all, be yourself but always strive to be the best version of this self, and don't be an ass to others.
Take care.

A worth reading post, worth visit blog. Kalau tak jelas tekan title Loner! tu. Or click HERE.
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Tremor on me

Assalamualaikum.

I tried to escape from everything. Well still there's a tiny line between escape and run. I didn't run, i just, try to escape. I drag myself into thing i've never done before like exercising (dafaq?), stick to my phone, play online games, and express everything on social media. Once i've been said as social awkward guy, like i'm different, i don't know how to mix around and blend in with people. in fact, i can't stand in a really crowded full of scream environment. plus, i really sucks in making conversation or keep the conversation going so that's why i didn't feel weird when someone says 'you're boring' because ya i feel the same exact way. I don't know how to change me but being me is like i guess could be a disaster to anyone.. even i felt that often.

Days by days i slowly could think that maybe i should stop overthink everything and just go with the flow. if people really want to stay, they will. If don't then that's it, you're lonely. Maybe it was me, i trust people too much till i broke and no one's ever willing to lend a hand. well that's fine by me because looking back and seeing the journey of my life, phew, i'm so used to it. But ya, everyone's have their own past.. just never bring it up to win over arguments or discussion. It's an embarrassment. Whatever it is, i'm always here, if you need someone to lend a hand, text me. If you need a shoulder to cry on, call me, bro. Have a nice day amigo!
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