Monday, March 21, 2016

Dramatic irony

Assalamualaikum.

So recently, i woke up and had this question asked by one of my friend, 

"is it true that we dont need anyone else to help us bcs everyone is so selfish in saving themselves?". 

Like, after you woke up and have that kind of question to be answered, i can't even think what day is today so how could i answer that, so it left hang without blueticks muehehehehe. But here, i, most probably would say yes, because look, the only person that you can depend on is you. Right. Back then i was so fucked up in secondary school, when i first know what's the real depression is, i broke. I'm that kind of person who is really not good in handling emotions. I can change from a fluffy cat to a feral lion. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because, i gave too much hoot, geez. Care is a special attention or effort made to avoid damage, risk or error (source: my thesaurus) but hey, by caring of someone means, u're preparing a damage to yourself. 

Luckily i'm in my very fluffy (hungry) cat mood hahahaha well actually it's not really nice to assume ppl are 'selfish'. Maybe they're too ego to lend a hand when actually they cared about you but they chose not to show. Look if you're playing the 'i do care about ya but i just don't show 'em' game, with one side show the other side don't then the other day that one side don't show the other show weh till when lah doh? main pass pass gitu kau pikir main futsal zz. Just, if you truly care about someone, show. Maybe not too much but at least enough for them to know. It supports them to live. Many commit suicide issues are because they expect that no one gives a fuck when actually there is, but just, they didn't show? pfft then orang dah mati baru kau nak menyesal. For people who can easily lost consideration and do anything to escape/satisfy themselves, it's a major thing to give them the attention. They just need attention. It's not in the term of capub, but they need someone who cares, and gives a fuck about them. I'm saying this because i know that feels when you're lonely and u feel like no one cares and the only person you can think of is your parents just to make your heart calms but facing the society with those handsome/clever guy getting much attention from his friends is not easy. It's the society who kills ya. Even the person you thought you really can rely on, left. That is why in the end, u're the real survivor for survival. Well a fat guy will always be treated like he is disgusting and yekk, i know that feels. I see everything. And i know. It's always us to search/come to people first, unless if they need help from us. 


I'm tired. Well yes, sometimes you have to put yourself first, but.. I don't know, i have a major problem whic i can't decide which is my priority and which should be the low priority, To me, everything is priority, everything deserve to have the attention (exception for homework). So that's why i care about everything till i kill myself. hahahaha everyone is busy with 'love yourself' but instead, i kill myself. I'm just really tired and hackneyed about this bullshit. When you put someone on top of the list but he/she doesn't put ya on the same spot, how would you react? you gotta be broke right, you felt nondescript, so show to ppl that you care and till we meet again, salam.    
.fad

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Nukilan 1

Assalamualaikum.

Apa diperlu, cuba dibantu
akan dia mahupun sesiapa
belum sedari, kehadirannya penuh makna
dia tidak mengungkit, apatah lagi meminta minta
dia cuma diam dan semuanya ada di peti itu.

hidup kecilnya bukanlah indah
nian ceritanya lucu belaka, namun itu semua luahannya
melihat dia seakan semuanya bahagia padanya
hakikat itu dia tahu, semuanya ada di peti itu.

sungguh dia mengerti kini erti hidup sebenar di dunia
walau dia tiada sama dengan yang lain, dia cuba
peti itu semakin sarat dan dia tiada mampu
mungkin saat itu dia sedar, sebelumnya hidupnya hidup orang
kala dia cuba memikir, apa kurangnya dia
embun malam membasahi lalang gelap
semuanya masih tersimpan kemas, semuanya ada di peti itu.

detik ini, dia menyedari homo sapiens ini bernafsu
memilih dan melihat, sesuatu yang mendatang untungan
akan begitu dia tiada cara menempuh semuanya
dia terus cari benda yang pasti
lalu dicalit nukilan ini.

➡ andai waktu kecil, hatinya murni membantu orang, tatkala besar dilihat dunia suka menggunakannya, masihkah hatinya murni lagi?

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Begin Again, Miss D.

Assalamualaikum, basically 2015 is a major shut down, where A LOT of things happened and i'm not sure how to tell each of 'em and i'm pretty sure i won't tell it here haha. No post in 2015 and now let's begin with 2016. i'm attracted with my senior's post on her blog, which i really adore her bcs of her perfection in English. and not to mention, her wise words. so here's a reblog from one of her post.

from Miss D,


Begin again
May God bless us all :)
Here I am once again, still having so many things to say with absolutely nowhere to express - not entirely anyway. Too afraid. Of what?

On Twitter, FB, Instagram.. I'm constantly stopping myself from being 100% me. I'm too afraid of being judged and honestly? I have no idea why I worry so much. I hate it and it consumes me.

I've grown to be an even more self-conscious person and am highly critical of myself. Some days when I do realise just how hard I've been on myself because no one else is really *there* for me.. I swear it hits my like a bullet and it makes me even more sad.

I do love myself and I really want to. Or at least I'd like to. The idea of reliance / dependence on another human being in the form of creating a bf /gf relationship has vanished or even better yet, has never existed on my list of things that burdens my conscience. I don't know.. What more with the romanticised images and stories online that I come across almost every freaking day. I do believe in true love & fairy tales (damn you, Disney) but I believe you should be whole as yourself, your own being - without having to be defined by another. You need to be 'complete' and in touch with *you*. I'd say I've grown skeptical (or realistic?)

Yes, having relationships will soon be a need especially when you reach an age where you will be pressured to start searching anyway. And of course as a basic human need (ref: Maslow's hierarchy of needs) but honestly? Don't be hanging on to one person till you'd think you'd 'die' without them. Like you can't survive another day if they're gone. As awfully romantic and corny as it seems (and how I probably was before), you have just got to suck it up & move on. Skeptical as ever as I seem now (haha) also because I've seen it in my friends' relationships - it can be potentially dangerous. Emotional blackmail & toxic relationships ensue, sprouting from intense co-dependency. I literally want to grab these people by their shoulders and scream 'wake the fuck up!' because they're too blinded by love to realise.

Anyway, HOW DID I GET HERE. I was just talking about how I'm too self conscious. Ugh. Let's just summarise what I was trying to post in the beginning: overthink --> sad --> spiral of self-hatred. End.


And boy, would I love for that to stop. Slowly, I hope so. Anyway, one should be comfortable enough to be by themselves - you've got to learn to love your own company :)

Did I go off topic real quick or what huh? haha. (Hint: this is a preview of how I will write and probably how I speak to others in real life) Maybe I shall open up this thing where people can suggest what I should write about in the future :)


Love,
D.

will update more soon, have a nice day everyone :)  .fad