Assalamualaikum.
i've always wanted to tell everything, and exactly on how do i really feel inside. but, one thing that i'm really sure is, it's impossible. Why? because there is no word that could exactly describe how do you feel. i've been through a lot. and same goes to everyone. but for a person who is weak and stick in the mud like me, life's rough. even we do have words to tell how do we really feel, it's still, impossible. because we can't! we don't have the guts to say those words. we are afraid. afraid of any consequences that we'll get from that person. why the one who you prioritizes, can't treat you the same way? i mean, yea, i can't force people to take care of me etc. but. to face the fact that the one who we prioritize, is priotizing others more than you. you know how it feels to be needed, right. i just missed old times. where there's only us and no hard feelings and no 'anasir' who wants to join us. like hey, i'm an introvert. i rather work in very small group of 3 or 4, or i'll work alone. my life's here? as long i still have that one bestfriend who would never give up on me, i'll be okay. eventhough, it's hard, to know that, i'm not the priority of my priority. why? am i not deserving all that..
no pictures in this post since i'm using my phone to write this. sigh. i just, why, you know exactly how hurt it is, seeing the one who you prioritize, prioritizes others more.. it's just, unfair. i've been holding my horses, holding my grudge, for a lot of time, and for so long, but in the end i always have a think, 'does it really worth?' so i'm trying to tell and explain INDIRECTLY but idk it's getting more tiring since i tried so hard. i shouldn't even have to try hard to keep you, bcs, if you do need me you'll come. but turns out, i'm the pathetic. i'm the one who is needing instead of needed. so ppl don't really care if i go, or if i walk away because it will not change anything. i'm trying to be nice to everyone, includes to those who i really hate. turns out im hating them even more. im seriously dont know how this life works. if FAIR does exists, why am i always be the one who needs to back off? can't i have a happy great life ahead? i can't.. i don't want to lose ppl who i had so much times with, anymore..... it cuts the veins that enclosed the heart of mine. it hurts.
sometimes i might lose control but idk seeing you having fun while i'm in blue, seeing you choose others rather than me, noticing that you're more excited talking with others (including the ones i hate) rather than me.. it's just painful. like how can i stay fine if i have to face those EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY?! i'm a pathetic.
and time will not heal ya. it all back to yourself. if you want, you'll make a way to do it. if i'm important, you'll make a time for me. you'll look upon me first rather than others. u have no idea what's inside my head. i told you, i SEE everything. i'm out..
.fad